Out of respect to my international audience, and as an international teacher who is used to simplifying how he speaks and writes, I normally make an effort to keep my articles reasonably accessible. This one will be different. Here, I will be sneezing out my thoughts in their most abstract and incoherent form. Why? Because I am burned out from a variety of issues, and searing that frustration to the page. This post will also upset some people with its wanton aggression, but well… this is a personal blog at the end of the day, and the following monologue represents how I truly feel. If you’re easily upset, or just not in the mood, read no further...

As mentioned in a couple of previous posts here, and on other sites my friends and foes will be keeping tabs on, I recently moved to a developing country. Yes, that developed versus developing label is quite silly. A country never stops developing, nor devolving... as we have seen with a number of western countries recently. Still, the country where I am now really is developing, and in some regards arguably needs to do so.

Sadly, that lack of powdered finesse has not kept away the arch-enemy that is white people. And before I trigger the white nationalists into screaming discrimination, it’s worth noting that I am a white person myself. I feel that much like black people get an n-word pass by default, I get a pass on shitting on the color that I very begrudgingly represent.

As an expat, or rather a person who reviles his country of origin so much that he’d like to see it literally wiped off the face of the Earth, it is quite horrific to be surrounded by it – or what looks like it – in a place that is very much not it. I admit that for someone who values a crunching of variables replete with abstract logical analyses, that might sound like a vein retreat into petty heuristics. It is not entirely logical to look at a white person and automatically see them as an enemy, despite the horrors that white people have inflicted on the world, and on MAPs like myself.

But with the background I have of being treated horrifically as a kid in my country of origin, and then as an adolescent who realized he was a MAP, I’m going to let myself off the hook. I think my feelings, while extreme, are very much understandable as a response to all the torture I’ve been subjected to by the same race as ‘mine’. Despite being a white person, I don’t feel any belonging. White people are not ‘us’ to me; they are ‘them’.

Even more grotesque to me than whiteness is ‘anglo’ culture. This culture dominates elite education, and participating in the charade is essentially a necessity should you wish to make a good wage in a developing country. I did land a pretty decent job here, with a very picky institution that demands a lot and pays an excellent salary… but with western investors, pushing anglo rules.

And you see, that represents the trillionth layer of hell for me.

Because at the place I work, my main class absolutely fucking love me. I’ve been able to bring the shyer and weaker kids out of their shell; they can feel that I truly care about and cherish them, instead of treating them as burdensome little gremlins to be managed and pandered to on the most superficial and meaningless level. Many of the kids who were struggling with their previous teachers now crowd around me during break because they finally have someone who actually gives a fuck, and with whom they can feel genuinely comfortable.

But with the restrictions in place, the relationship will always be needlessly and intolerably superficial. The silly rules will limit what the students can learn to the mere confines of the classroom. And learning is a natural and ongoing process, something that happens as much outside of the classroom as inside of it, no matter how much paranoid absurdities like ‘safeguarding’ may dream otherwise. My first close YF, who was a student of mine when I was in my early 20s, struggled terribly with English before he became my mentee. It was his befriending of me that ultimately led to his massive improvement, in a time and place that was very accepting of man-boy friendships at least when not sexually expressed. He wanted to hang out with me pretty much every day as a kid, and I wasn’t exactly complaining nor was I good at his language at the time. He made a concerted effort to learn, and as an adult now, he has a girlfriend of the same origin as myself.

As a person who is sexually attracted to boys, but even more so romantically and emotionally drawn to them, and who truly believes that anglo notions of teacher-student boundaries are wrong, being forced to follow anglo rules is intolerable. Even worse is that I have constant exposure to people of the same broad background I had escaped, whose disgusting culture is now foisting these stupid rules upon me in a place where it very much does not belong.

This is also a place in which paying for sex with children is relatively commonplace, where a sufficiently large bribe could make problems go away fairly quickly in the unlikely event that there were ever any problems in the first place. But that is fundamentally not what I want. I don’t want to fuck some poor kid sprawled over a dirty mattress in a den of depression and despair. I want a boy to love, adore, and raise.

I’m not saying that I have no desire for sex with children, and I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, according to my own sense of morals, if the world were very different. Being prohibited from sexual expression under threat of severe consequences, even when the person you love is a curious and horny adolescent boy, is absolutely infuriating. But an AF-YF relationship does not need to be physical. Those who think MAPs just want to selfishly fuck kids, and that everything else a MAP does is part of some sinister cover or route to such an end… I kind of just want to stab those bastards in the face. They couldn’t be more wrong. Anyone who says that MAPs merely pretend to love kids deserves to fucking die.

A thought did run through my head, and while it probably shouldn’t be vocalized, I’m going to vocalize it anyway.

Should I simply not worry about what other western people would say or do, or what the imperialistic policies of investors might lead to? After all, regular people ought to mind their own damn business. Investors set workplace rules, not laws. Could I not just try to make a YF through work and then literally murder any nosy westerner who got in my way? That’s kind of what I want to do, to be honest. And I could. And the individual in question would more or less deserve it, I feel. Ultimately though, it would not be a smart move. It would likely end astonishingly badly for me, and be incredibly distressing for the poor boy would be dragged through hell and back. Then there might be implications for families involved, not all of whom would necessarily be terrible people.

Even if my flight of fancy may not be the best route to take, I think it’s right to be enraged. I believe my level of anger, murderous in tone though not quite in intent, is justified. What has been stolen from MAPs is not so much the right to sexual freedom, but the right to love. Loving boys, even when a physical relationship is off the table, is incredibly important to me. But as one gets older - and moves into positions with a higher wage, tighter rules, and more western eyes on them - even the right to love a boy is made harder. Absent of MAP paranoia, boys will, as you get older, see you more as a person to respect than a friend to play with. And while it is inherent in nature, this response is still very much amplified by silly norms about interaction across generations, against a backdrop of gratuitous youth subjugation that treats young people as lesser.

It is worth nothing that I often receive messages of support from western people who are not MAPs, and I absolutely love it. I respect those people more than words can describe, for their ability to see through the suffocating haze of MAP hysteria and have the guts to say hi. Unfortunately, they are still very much in the minority. The vast majority of western people think MAPs want to violently rape children and should be killed, and this colossal misconception absolutely shatters our lives.

It’d be better if I were a monster. At least then, I wouldn’t feel so hard done by. At least then, I could just pay for sex in some anonymous backstreet brothel and be happy. But as someone who loves and adores children, and is hindered not only by the west in the west but also by the west where it doesn’t belong, I have to say… the west deserves to be fucking destroyed. And if you’re also a well-meaning MAP, you should feel the same way.