I'm not much of a Christmas person. Both an atheist and a cynic, not to mention someone who is aware of the pagan origins of Christmas, I find the whole thing ridiculously sappy and contrived. But this is also a time of year when people look to chill out with a glass of their favorite tipple, and so today I present something a little more humorous. This is a low-effort piece; I just browsed Mu Forum's News section for the funniest headlines, and went from there. Do not take this article too seriously!

Definitely not a pedophile!

A man from Newcastle, a rather grim-looking city in the north of England, recently pleaded guilty to possessing almost 20,000 criminalized images of children. Quite the collection! Somehow, lawyer Anis Ali managed to persuade the Judge that his client was definitely not a pedophile. He explained:

[Defendant] accepts the images were there but has no specific interest in children. It was the influence of drawing that was the reason he had such imagery, but he was disgusted by them.

Should you ever be accused of possessing criminalized images of children in the UK, you may contact Mr. Ali here.

Gettin' dirty outside a daycare...

Ask any seasoned American prisoner, and they'll tell you that black men are in for drugs and theft (no doubt a legacy of slavery), while the skinny white dudes are there for child sex. One black gentleman from Miami, quite the revolutionary, was keen to buck the trend. Clearly overly excited by all the frolicking while passing his local daycare, he felt the need to rub one out right there and then. He's currently on bail, ordered to stay away from the daycare. That seems like quite a reasonable requirement.

Should you be a responsible nepiophile able to afford an education, I recommend simply gaining the necessary qualifications and getting a job at a daycare. Just be sure that you can hold a thought in mind until you get back home!

Christians gone wild

Canada's MAGA-worshipping outlet The Post Millennial claims - without a whole lot of evidence - that "Christian parents" are up in arms over a scene in Season 999 of Stranger Things. They believe it depicts 'pedophilic rape'. They argue:

Byers is discovered and knocked unconscious by the main antagonist, Vecna. Vecna then summons a tentacle-like appendage that is forced into Byers’ mouth, delivering alien slug-like organisms into his body

If it doesn't sound very sexually exciting, that's because it really isn't. Few men are as attracted to 11-year-old boys as myself, and yet I do not find that scene in any way pleasant. But I guess if you're a straight Christian who views women as nothing more than a 'spare rib', you might get rather excited at the thought of sexual subjugation. Projection much?

The chickenlover

Have you ever considered fucking a chicken? I certainly have not. I imagine it would be quite an unpleasant affair, with lots of clucking and flapping around. You definitely wouldn't want to ask for a blow job!

Anyway, after coming across an article titled Wood Village man charged in child sex crimes now accused of sexually assaulting chickens, the offender named Mr. Blashishen, I decided to do a little more digging. This led me to another article about a MAP chickenfucker, the headline now reading Man jailed for having sex with chickens allowed to keep hens in legal loophole. This guy fucked 29 chickens, and ultimately:

The father of four admitted to three counts of intentionally performing an act of penetration on live chickens as well as possessing extreme pornographic images, three charges of making indecent photographs of children and possessing cocaine and cannabis resin.

Quite how one would unintentionally perform an act of penetration on a live chicken, I'm not sure...

Pedo Santa!

Now we're really getting festive, with a story of pedo Santa being escorted out of a mall by police in Brazil. He had been under investigation for a contact offense for some time, before the grinches showed up to steal Christmas.

Meanwhile, a Santa-for-hire in New Jersey was also arrested earlier this month, in his case for naughty pictures. No presents for him this year!

I have a vague childhood memory of meeting a mall Santa and his very grumpy elf. Of course, I hadn't realized Mr. Elf was paid just to make sure Santa didn't molest me. What a job!

To my readers stuck in the west, I hope you have a great holiday. Some new pieces are coming very soon, including a discussion with a MAP psychologist, and an interview with an anonymous darknet site admin. Stay tuned!